What's Wrong with Second Best?

I recently had a conversation that made me rethink some "givens" in my life. My friend, Evan, expressed to me, with no idea of how this would effect me, how he had given up on settling in his life. He is about to graduate from Liberty with a BA in History, supposedly with the intention of teaching history at the high school level someday. Yet, Evan expressed to me the desire to switch his direction towards mission work. To Evan, life as a history teacher wouldn't be what he wanted, it would be too easy, too comfortable, and too boring. He is interested in history, but really this interest stems from an interest in culture and in people. Evan now plans to direct his energy and his interests into at least trying mission work. We both share an aversion to "short-term" missions, and so I don't want to mis-represent Evan as planning a week-long excursion to Jamaica where he'll pass out tracts on the beach, spreading the gospel after he spreads the suntan lotion. Evan inspired me, because I find myself in the same boat.

For a few years now I've been slowly resigning myself to a life of business. I once wanted a life of ministry, a life which couldn't be burdened by prioritizing money and materials, but had to be focused on people and the Gospel to succeed. But this is impractical, I tell myself. This isn't what God has for me, since he has gifted me with a knack for academics. I was told by a mentor when I was a young teen that ministry is a beast. That one shouldn't enter full-time ministry if there was anything else which one could do and be happy. Well, I guess I could teach philosophy and theology and be "happy". I guess, that, if I had to, I could teach high school history and maybe a humanities course here or there, and be happy. I guess I could really strive and find the perfect classical school, one where they taught Greek and Latin, and even philosophy to high schoolers. That would be the perfect blend of security and fulfillment. Because, you see, I don't want to be successful to the extent that it's become my idol. I'm not willing to sacrifice what God wants for a PhD, a job at a renowned university, or a dream to become a good philosopher. This conviction is motivated by both good and bad reasons, however, although on the outset it seems patently innocent. I have biblical reasons for this conviction, yet I fear that I am being determinately motivated here by fear. I am afraid of trying to attempt becoming professional about philosophy because at heart I fear that I am not good enough. And I don't mean this merely about my intelligence. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I am afraid that my faith is not strong enough to throw myself headlong into this community and not lose myself, and my God, in it. I don't think that I would ever drop my label of "Christian", but I know that my faith would develop and change. I'm just afraid that I'm not strong enough to thrive if I make my living among the thorns.

And now I've gotten myself in a pickle, because after a semester of work here at Liberty, I was running away from youth ministry and into the arms of philosophy. I was disappointed with the environment and the prospectus of being in YM, at least as Liberty presented it. I decided that I would work with the youth, but in a more formal role, as a teacher. I figure that while youth pastors are getting paid to entertain, as a teacher I would at least have a modicum of opportunity to speak seriously to students about life and value. Here, in the now, I am having the same trepidations as Evan. I too, am worried that in my posturing to be professional about ministry, I have become secular in my goals. I worry that I have lost the heart of my early vision for my life, and so in time I will find myself in a desert, being beaten by the sun without reprieve because I didn't plant myself beside a source of water. So, I am yet again, reaching out to God, asking for direction. I would like to be told, and provided with graphs if available, about my future. I want for God to give me that which would kill me. I want him to take away the mystery, but most of all I want him to tell me just how high I can dream, how far I can realistically reach. Because I'm tired of being self-conscious. I want God to tell me what I AM qualified for, because I don't feel qualified for much. But I guess I'm too smart to spend my nights crying this out to God, because I know that it's this difficult, somewhat-blind, decision that will define the character of my life. This crux, this climax, is what I'm supposedly alive for. If God were to just give me an answer, even if there isn't "THE ANSWER", he'd be taking the value away from my future. And so, I'm once again resigning myself to the tension. The tension that lies between being safe, and being needlessly, tragically, helplessly risky. Who wants to fail, but then again, who really wants to succeed. I guess that I do want to succeed, but I'm still so busy trying to define exactly what success is.

But now I exhale, and I laugh at myself and how complicated I can make things. In the pause of reflection I am able to enjoy a little reduction, to realize that if I just make God's will a priority, the priority, then I shouldn't be afraid to dream. This prioritizing has become all the more difficult since I've recently been married, and I'm happy to be so. While this marriage resolves many of the tensions of a single life, I can feel the creeping specter of american adulthood tapping my shoulder. I find myself justifying living a "normal-two-car-garage" life because now it's not for me, it's for my wife. I'm not being selfish, I'm not settling for second best, I'm providing for my wife. And even now I'm contemplating whether it isn't more protective, more honoring to my wife that I expect her to value the same life that I value when I'm at my best. Why do I assume that my striving to give the best for my wife should be or even could be at odds with what God has been showing me in my single life? If it was good for me to live meagerly, to be people-centered, and to be non-materialistic to the point of being un-American, then why isn't that good enough for my wife as well? This is perhaps the topic of another post. Regardless, I thank you if you read this post. This is, admittedly, a post more for me than for you, but its nice to know there are people out there. This was a bit revealing, since it shows me for the weak and scared kid that I am, and yet I'll never find courage if I don't do things like this. It's like Derek Webb said on his CD "The House Show", the best thing for us is that our sins and weaknesses be displayed. It is in this honesty that we find community, and in this bravery that we find strength. It is hard to find places appropriate for this type of disclosure, but I hope this is a good one.